Dear God

What do you want from me?

I’ve been avoiding writing this post for a really long time, I still don’t want to………..

But here goes……

I’ve been trying to discern the will of God in my life and its been really hard 😦

I don’t mean when God tells you to do something and you pretend not to hear or ignore him. I mean  God isn’t telling me what to do, all I can confidently say i’ve heard from the Holy Spirit is to trust God and wait.

Trust God and wait? Why

I’ve always thought i’m sort of a patient person but I’m clearly not, I like to control the situation and know what is going to happen next. At this point I don’t know what is going to happen next in my life and it’s bothered me for months now

(I’m trying not to cry right now.. i don’t even cry but these days …)

I can’t really name a point in my life where i’ve really wanted to do what God wanted or waited. I’ve had opportunities in the past to go along with Gods plans but i chose my own plans instead and I was really unhappy later on.

At this point I want to know what Gods plans are but he’s making me wait and I really hate it…..

So whats keeping me from just taking control of the situation?

If there is anything past experiences have taught me is that I should always listen and go along with God because he knows everything. This also shows up in the bible when people try to take control of situations and help God out. it always ends badly. So I’m in the same situation I could help God out and have the situation end badly or I could trust God and just wait… I can intervene or I can just back off.

Its sounds so easy when I write it down “just trust God” but its not! the action of having faith in God is kind of hard right now….

So maybe I should illustrate. I am a very private person I don’t share things with people at all, Sharing things on this blog is a huge step for me. Despite the fact that I’m anonymous no one knows who i am I’m still anxious about sharing things in my personal life. Thats why i’m being very abstract about my situation.

But i guess I’ll share

I’ve been home for a month now trying to not find a job. Yes i said it I’ve been trying to NOT find a job. You see I’ve been trying to get a job at a hospital for a position that will remain unnamed. Anyways I feel very strongly that this is what GOd wants me to do, my application has remained lifeless and I haven’t received any calls for interviews. I applied for so many positions but I was never pick for any of the until 2 weeks ago. I went online to check if i’d been rejected as usual but this time it said my application had been sent to the hiring manager for review.

that sounds like good news right? I guess… I knew God was involved I mean he wanted me to work there right? I thought the hospital would call me any moment for an interview. But guess what, they still haven’t! And my status online is still the same. This has left me with a lot of questions.

The first one is does Gods really want me to work there and if he does why is he making it so hard why doesn’t he speed up the process. If God was involved wouldn’t i have the job by now?

Did I make this whole thing up or is some demon punking me. Do I even talk to God or have I never really talked to him?

Thats why at the beginning I ask God what do you want from me?

Because the truth is I can apply for another job and get it end of story I don’t have to wait for this one! But I’m afraid, I’m afraid of messing up like I usually do when I don’t  wait on God, Im afraid of being unhappy and outside of Gods will.

All I want to do is make God happy for once in my life, I want to go along with his plan even though it doesn’t seem to make any sense. I want to wait because in the bible if people would have waited things would have turned out fine, if people would have obeyed God we might still be living in eden.

If God is not in this, i’ll be really sad

So God if you’re reading this can you have some mercy, grace and patience with me.

I’m just a human theres a lot of things I don’t understand.

Im blind theres a lot of things I don’t see,

I’m really forgetful.

You’re the first person to see me when i wake up yet you’re the last thing on my mind. Im sorry

Be patient with me send me a sign, if you sent one already send me another one please be patient with me father

Im just a little confused

What do you want from me?

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